God will not be boxed.
I look at God. I mean, those times when I really see Him. (By really see Him, of course, I mean sort-of-catch-a-tiny-glimpse-of-an-itsy-bitsy-part-of-Him-that-is-not-shrouded-by-the-limitations-of-my-fallen-mind.)
And then I look at the cramped storage space I’ve set aside for Him, and my skin tingles a little.
In an anxious sort of way.
Because that box I’ve built for Him to sit down in, I know it’s not spacious. Not in the same way that He is spacious anyway.
That anxious feeling creeps in when with wide eyes I realize I’ve packed black powder into a crate and set it next to an open flame.
It’s only a matter of time before He blows the sides off.
He will not be boxed.
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Categories: Brokenness · Humility · Knowing God
Tagged: God is bigger than I think, Humility, Knowing God, Wisdom
The mornings are a little lighter now, but it seems I still rise while it’s dark.
Habit, I suppose. Or perhaps my joints are just growing older and less tolerant.
I don’t have to get up early any more, but sleep still leaves me at the usual time.
This morning I pulled back the warmth of downy covers and slipped out of bed into a darkness that filled the room but seemed also to envelop my soul. Even as the lights went out last night I sensed the darkness encroaching. Not the darkness of space that invites sleep, but that of spirit which steals rest clean away.
I swatted at it with a weak threat to doze off and thought to pretend it away. But by morning, it had its grip.
It held me with a firm hand.
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Categories: Belief & Doubt · Finding Life · light
Tagged: belief, darkness, doubt, light, Mark 9 Dad
I am, at least for a time, reordering my days.
This morning I slept in until 6:30. By the time noon rolled around, I’d checked in on the online world, been to the gym, sat still with the Father, read from A Praying Life, done dishes and laundry, vacuumed a day’s portion of mud from my living room carpet, attended a business meeting and talked to the outplacement folks.
I even saw my kids standing upright before they left for school instead of the hunched shapes that would grunt back from under blankets when I stepped into their darkened rooms to whisper, “Love you, Bud. Have a good day at school.”
From rising late to leisurely reading in the daytime, this takes some serious reordering. I didn’t even drink my coffee until nearly 9:30. This is not how I am accustomed to spending my days.
Not that I’m complaining.
With the exception of the housekeeping, I relished the morning.
But at 9:00 this morning, I jumped.
(Just a little.)
And then I remembered: God still calls at home.
This part of my day, while all else changes, this part remains the same.
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Categories: Faithfulness · Reminders
Tagged: Faithfulness, Reminders, routines, Shema
I admit it.
I’m a poor brainstormer.
It’s not that I don’t ever have ideas.
I do. But I tend to overthink them.
The packing tape of my mind is just a little too sticky sometimes and I can’t get them out of the box.
And I’m even worse with somebody else’s ideas. They hardly have them out of their mouth and onto the table — or the whiteboard if you’re one of those — before I’ve figured out why they won’t work.
I’m a lot like Philip, not so much like Andrew.
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Categories: Love Trust Obey · Trust · faith
Tagged: faith, feeding five thousand, Hope, loaves and fish, Trust
It’s a peculiar feeling, today.
I’ve deleted all my email, loaded my car, shipped my files and changed my voice mail to notify customers “I am no longer an active employee.”
I have nothing to do.
It’s 1:51 in the afternoon, only 13 percent power remains on my laptop battery, I have no unread items in my Google Reader and the meeting with HR is not until 2:30.
Again, I have nothing to do.
The thing about knowing for the better part of a year that today was coming is that the emotion has already been spent. The contemplation has already been done. I just need my paperwork and a place to turn in my key.
For, I have nothing to do.
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Categories: Faithfulness · Jobs · Work
Tagged: Faithfulness, job, layoff, Work
Samson.
The world was not worthy of him.
So says the writer of Hebrews, bringing me back around to consider just how it was that Samson found himself amongst the honorable mentions in that great Hall of Faith.
For all the desire to which his eyes wandered, for all the rage that rushed through his veins, for all the destruction his vengeful hands wrought, and for all the self he was content to worship, Samson at last found his moment.
And then we see.
We see how this prodigal, shaved and shamed, unearthed faith before he buried the Philistines.
There came a day, Samson’s last, when in faith he brought the house down. Keep reading →
Categories: Samson · faith
Tagged: faith, Hall of Faith, Hebrews 11, Samson
Shocking, I know. But I’ve never been a girly-girl.
Photos like this one, with hair fresh out of curlers and frills on dress sleeves, belie the child who wanted blue instead of pink and chose hand-me-downs from a big brother over those of an older sis.
I played with dolls because we had them, but much preferred building forts and climbing trees in the woods behind our house. When I did play dolls with my sister and her friends, my make-believe role most often permitted me to take my assigned doll with me into the woods, making an occasional appearance just to stay in the game.
My sister had a much better grip on the doll thing. One year she received the coveted Crissy doll, a beautiful girl with stunning red hair. But Crissy also had a mysterious hole in her head and an unsightly button at the small of her back, there by design rather than defect.
The wonder of this doll was her growing hair.
A girl could tug Crissy’s hair, and long locks would emerge from the cavity in her head. Press the button on her back, the hair sucked back into her plastic cranium and she sported a pageboy instead.
Everything else about Crissy was pretty run-of-the-mill doll business. When it came to the Crissy doll, it was all about the hair.
But when it comes to Samson, it was never about the hair.
There. I said it.
I’ve been wanting to say that for months.
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Categories: Love Trust Obey · Samson
Tagged: Love Trust Obey, Samson
I’m experiencing a little déjà vu these days.
Just over five years ago I was in the hunt for a job. The claims operation I was a part of was closing, leaving many folks like myself without work. Knowing my tenure with that company was winding down, I had an ambitious three-part goal: secure another job, reach my vesting date, and work until the end. This would have allowed me to collect my sixteen weeks of severance pay, take along my portable retirement benefits and walk straight into a new job.
I decided that two out of three wasn’t bad.
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Categories: God's Provision · Jesus is Enough · Jobs · Love Trust Obey · Peace · Work
Tagged: Jobs, layoffs, Love Trust Obey, patience, Peace, Work
Not long ago my son informed me that I was still talking about Samson out here. He pointed out that I’d been doing that since, when? Summer?
Yeah, something like summer.
“I don’t even read it now, Mom,” he said. “You’re not funny anymore.”
I don’t worry too much. I still catch him reading when he thinks I’m not looking. And blog or not, he never seems to run out of reasons to laugh at me.
But he’s right. Samson is starting to seem like forever.
The problem is, I can’t shake him off. Every time I think I’m about there, it’s something else. I finally got to give him his haircut, and there’s still more before he brings the house down in his big finale.
It’s like this: Samson never did ask a lot of questions after his riddle backfired.
But he sure keeps making me ask them.
Samson has become for me a looking glass. And every time I see something foul in him, I see my own eyes staring back. I see the work God still wants to do in me. Work I need Him to do in me.
And now he’s done it again.
Here’s the question: If all the fullness of God drained out and left me vacant, would I know?
How would I know?
And when would I notice?
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Categories: God' Presence · God's glory · Samson
Tagged: ark of the covenant, Eli, God's presence, Samson
From a certain uncertainty to a certain Hope, this was written with thoughts of Loren and Betty, and Scott and Jennifer. Gentlemen, start your engines. It’s gotta be time soon.
It’s been the beginning of the end for a long time now.
Seems everything I’ve done lately has been the last.
The last file jacket I set up for a new claim.
The last statement I took from a witness.
The last settlement I negotiated with an attorney.
The last mediation statement I drafted.
I traveled last week, charged with the bittersweet task of training the last of the new employees to take over my work.
I returned today to find lights out in a few more cubicles. A dumpster stands outside my door, overflowing with outdated manuals and unwanted reference books. Eery silence and the occasional echo replace the voices and bustle that drove me to distraction just weeks ago.
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Categories: God's Plan · God's Provision · Hope · Love Trust Obey · Trust
Tagged: farmers, Hope, layoffs, Love Trust Obey, Trust, uncertainty, Work
God will not be boxed.
