Things I’m Pretty Sure Paul Didn’t Say
Sometimes I write, and I wonder: Should I really hit “Publish Post”?
This is one of those times.
This post has been in my drafts for a while. I wrote it because I thought it was funny.
I still do.
But I haven’t published it because 1) many of you are neither writers nor bloggers and so you won’t likely find it that funny, and 2) those of you who are writers and bloggers might just think I’m a jerk, and that it’s not funny.
I intend neither to bore nor offend. But I’ve been dared to publish it. And it’s hard to pass up a dare from a good friend who usually shows pretty good judgement.
So maybe it’s funny. Maybe it’s perspective. Or maybe I’m just an idiot.
But at the risk of inciting another mass exodus of readers like the last time I talked smart, here it is.
::
I read Paul, a lot. He wrote a lot. In all that I’ve read of him, I don’t see much talk about the writing process. He just did it because that was the means he had available to communicate with the churches under his care. He wrote from prison, from ships, on the road, late at night. Sometimes he even wrote in his own longhand.
But I wonder what his writing might have looked like if he had to contend with today’s market.
So without further exculpatory remarks, here’s a few things things I’m pretty sure Paul the Apostle never said:
Note to self: ease up on the controversial posts. Opposing Peter like that cost me a 25 percent drop in readership.
“Hey, Timothy. I’m looking to expand my follower base. Mind letting me write a guest epistle for you next week?” (Or, “James, Dude. Need to change things up a little bit. How ’bout you write for me one of these days?”)
What’s wrong with self-publishing?
I’m having a Hades of a time with these WordPapyrus plug-ins. Maybe I should switch to Scroller?
One day, God will release me from this prison. I’m sure of it. He would want me to blog about the experience.
Sure wish that guard would let me at my Moleskine parchment so I could make some notes about that shipwreck.
I’m pretty excited about a speaking gig I’ve got coming up at the Areopagus. I need to build my platform amongst the Greeks before I start marketing that work I wrote for the Corinthians.
Apollos. [spit] Apollos! “You plant; I water.” Yeah, right. Fancy way of saying “I’ll take your followers, thanks.”
Another publisher rejected my Ephesian manuscript. Not enough mass market appeal. Niche, snitch.
List posts are supposed to be pretty popular. I could make that work. But the fruit of the Spirit is:
- love
- joy
- peace
- patience
- kindness
- goodness
- faithfulness
- gentleness
- self-control
Now, where did I put the list of submission guidelines for that new Canon they’re publishing next month?
“Wow John, great imagery in that last post. The way you described the throne room, man, was that real? ‘Cuz I felt like I was right there.”
Love is a new trending topic, no brainer to attract new readers. Les’see here . . . resounding gong, LOVE, clanging cymbal, LOVE . . . that’s good stuff.
Maybe I should do a giveaway . . .
Is this text scannable?
This post is getting really long. Maybe I should do a series like John did and break that Thessalonian piece into two posts.
“James, Bro, awesome stuff on faith and works. I wrote about that over at my Galatians 3 site. Check it out, I’d love your feedback.”
And my very, very favorite thing I don’t think Paul ever said:
I’m sure you’ll work out this law vs. grace thing on your own. I’m due at the parchment.
::
Here I am now, hands over head and ducking. So I don’t feel like a total jerk for publishing, tell me: What’s something you think Paul never said?
:: ::: ::
Photo: Acropolis at Sunset 2 by Lucretious, via Stock.xchng
Oh Lyla,
You are funny and you brought a smile to my face today. Thanks!
2010/06/10 at 2:14 PM
Lyla:
I don’t think the Apostle ever said “But we’ve always done it this way”.
And, “No one saved after 20 minutes” although that gem lost it’s power at Troas when Eutychus fell out of the window.
“My way or the highway”.
“Does anyone have some Dramamine?”
“Where’s the ram’s horn, I want to call my lawyer?”
Wow, sarcasm, humor and cynicism all in the same blog. I loved every word and I’m happy to see that your time sharing in as well as enduring the family banter is serving you well. Your uncle David will be really proud of you as well.
Dad
2010/06/10 at 4:11 PM
i think paul never said…
“i need a vacation! i think i’ll go on a carnival cruise”.
2010/06/10 at 5:33 PM
Whew, thanks Julie!
Dad, good training I got trying to come out of family gatherings unscathed. Now and then I try to put it to good use. Love the Eutychus joke.
nAncY, good one. Probably worried about shipwrecks…
2010/06/10 at 9:16 PM
I’m grinning over here. But some of the comments are dead-on about today’s writing. He didn’t care about a fan base–he cared about the gospel. If modern Christian writers took his bent, most would never be published. Kinda makes you wonder if it’s worth being published if you have to water down the gospel to do so.
2010/06/10 at 9:57 PM
Did Paul say?
“So I sold the tent-making biz last fiscal year to an investor near Ephesus. I saw extensive gains in my portfolio, and bought a condo in the Colossian ‘burbs. Those people really know how to party, ya know?”
NOT! (Philippians 3:7-8)
Lyla, you made me laugh. Again.
2010/06/10 at 9:58 PM
I heard that he sold the tent business to Ringling Brothers Barnabas And Bailey Circus. They held tent revival meetings all over the Roman Empire.
2010/06/11 at 7:30 PM
1st Jennifer, I read a lot of good stuff, so I think the river runs both ways. I’m a little unfair since none of us are Paul and his culture was not ours. I just got a kick out of the image of him lining up in the comment box at James’ place to jack him up a little.
2nd Jennifer, and you made me laugh. But watch out for the capital gains.
2010/06/10 at 10:14 PM
I have always loved your humor…this was good. Unfortunately that is what our culture is like. Wonder if Paul would have blogged? Bet he would have spent a lot of time on Airplanes getting from one place to another. Also bet he would not be happy with the state of the church…he would be very vocal prolly end up on Fox and Friends or with Glenn Beck. LOL
2010/06/10 at 10:49 PM
Lyla:
“When in Rome, do as the Romans do!”
“Where are my Ray Bans?”
“My latest book, ‘When Bad Things Happen to Good People’ is now available at Jordan.com”
“Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner?”
Dad
2010/06/11 at 6:11 AM
So, you up all night on those?
2010/06/11 at 12:11 PM
You make me laugh! Wish I had that quick wit. What came to my mind was this question, “Write letters to myself?” Perhaps Paul would give encouragement to just try really hard to be godly (1 Tim. 4:7-8). (To post the comment or not?)
2010/06/11 at 9:09 AM
Nancy, I ask that question a lot…
2010/06/11 at 12:12 PM
I took notice of the Eutychus comment. According to Dwill’s Comprehensive Commentary on the New Testament, the Eutychus falling out the window is the origin for the saying “No Pane No Gain” Unfortunately he went right through the screen and strained himself! Apparently Eutychus was unaware of the advice in the Users Manual, which suggests Closing All Windows before using Sleep Mode.
2010/06/11 at 9:41 AM
So, folks, now you know what the family events look like. And the 102-year-old patriarch still leads the pack on wisecracks.
2010/06/11 at 12:13 PM
Things Paul might have said: Hey Peter, quit whining about getting robbed, and let me know when the paying Paul thing gets started!
2010/06/11 at 10:29 AM
I enjoyed reading your play
and I think the banter between you and your dad is awesome and uncle weird’s comment is HILARIOUS.
…and I wouldn’t be able to add because I’m not that witty.
amy in peru
2010/06/11 at 11:54 AM
This was way funny.
Here’s another.
“Does this tunic make me look fat?”
“I only useth King James language”
“Did I really say submit? No honey, I meant respect. Honest”
2010/06/11 at 12:03 PM
Does this tunic make me look fat? I’m thinking you may need to buy a threenic next time!
2010/06/11 at 7:04 PM
Amy, never know around here what might be mistaken for witty. You could give it a shot.
David, the tunic. I’m going to chuckle about that one all day long. Thanks…
2010/06/11 at 12:14 PM
Lyla:
I didn’t stay up all night but they came to me as I was lying in bed this AM just before I got up. I’m also sure that he didn’t say “What’s up Doc” while traveling with Luke.
Dad
2010/06/11 at 12:49 PM
omg – I had missed this for all my busy! TOOO funny!
2010/06/11 at 2:13 PM
You are hilarious. You always bring it to life for me, Lyla. I love the way you think.
2010/06/11 at 3:25 PM
Could Paul have ever said “I couldn’t have done it all without Timothy and Titus and Silas. They really carried me along the way.” Were they the original Paul Bearers?
2010/06/11 at 7:41 PM
Super Unc, I feel like I’m sitting at the dinner table all over again.
2010/06/11 at 11:28 PM
Golly, Uncle Weird, I knew the Apostle was fluent in the various languages of his day but to know that he also was fluent in the Borge Inflationary Language really surprises me.
Paul
2010/06/11 at 10:18 PM
I do know a little of Borge, Dad, but must admit I had to Google the Inflationary Language. Found this site, which features the “inflate this page” tool to apply the BIL to the text.
2010/06/11 at 11:27 PM
Paul was fluent in Borge and Borgb. “inflate this page” tool? Won’t that just make the book thicker? Wouldn’t Borge actually use G11gle instead of Google? I’ve solved the mystery of Paul’s thorn in the flesh. Peter was a terrible punster. To this day the Roman Church still refers to the successor to Peter as the Puntif! Sorry its a curse. I need help.
2010/06/11 at 11:59 PM
Lyla:
My last word on this, assuming Uncle Weird’s pun has run out of ink. You really opened up Pundora’s Box with this post.
Dad
2010/06/12 at 4:24 PM
Just getting back here–you’re right, Lyla. There’s a lot of good stuff out there. Of late, I’ve just ended up with some less than hard-hitting books that seemed more socially driven than Scripturaly driven.
2010/06/15 at 12:10 AM
I’ll agree: there’s a whole lot of what one of my more Southern friends would call “twaddle” out there. Funny thing, they publish what will sell, ie, what we’ll buy and read. We could do a better job of focusing their efforts, yes?
2010/06/15 at 8:00 AM
I’m so glad I came back
I don’t know how you all do it… very fun.
And I laughed out loud for a whole minute about the tunic, threenic… I’m pulling my husband over to read it now. hilarious. My mom’s dad, she and all her siblings are good at these kinds of things. I may even send them over!
amy in peru
2010/06/15 at 2:00 PM
And… you just got yourself a new reader.
I’m very sorry about this.
Because I can leave long lengthy messages.
See you around!
2010/06/17 at 2:39 PM
Duane, welcome.
I have that problem myself sometimes.
2010/06/17 at 9:29 PM