Is Anonymous Your First Name or Last Name?
“What did you and the young people do on Sunday night?”
I looked up from my notes during our weekly staff meeting to read my pastor’s expression before I answered. Eyebrow up. Head cocked a little. He leaned back in his chair behind the desk.
Swell.
Someone had called.
“We went to A&W,” I said. It wasn’t as though it were a secret. “A lot of families were out of town this week, so only three kids showed. We thought it would be a good night to take a walk to the drive-in and hang out. They got our full attention, and we got to know them a little better. We loved it.”
“I got a call saying some people are concerned about this kind of thing,” he explained. “Youth group happens in the youth room. “
Who called? How many people are concerned? Which ones?
“I appreciate the concern,” I told him. “If someone else calls, be sure to remind them of my phone number.”
The next day, someone else called, pretending to wonder what the young people did on Sunday night. “Some people are concerned . . .”
::
The Great A&W Incident
The Great A&W Incident, as it’s known around our house, baptized me into the murky waters of church ministry and the sideways, backhanded, upside-down channels we use to communicate with one another in the family. Before The Incident, I assumed we would all talk to each other. Not around each other.
What a naive dork I turned out to be.
It was a small thing, The Incident. But it fit into a larger pattern of crooked-line communication that one day, years later, helped break a church into a million tiny pieces.
I pocketed one or two of those pieces, ashes from an inferno that still smolder. The smoldering, it’s not from bitterness or unforgiveness. It’s just the intensity of the thing.
From time to time, the embers ignite again into flame.
Like yesterday.
Some People Are Concerned
Yesterday as I made a few blog stops, I browsed through the comment box of a writer I particularly like. Tucked in amongst some encouraging remarks was an expression of disappointment in the writer. The language was not crude. There was no outlandish charge of heresy. But the comment was left anonymously.
I didn’t hear it, but I heard it. An unspoken preface to the commenter’s observation: Some people are concerned . . .
The cinders already seemed a little warm this week. I’d just read something similar at another blog. With this new comment it seemed just enough oxygen breezed through to stir the embers.
Combustion.
Right or wrong, I jumped into the fray with a word, intended to be soft but clear: Stop it.
::
Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. (Colossians 3:15-17)
In the family we do teach and admonish one another. It’s part of the rich relationship we have in the body. But I wonder how often in these some-people-are-concerned proclamations we miss the peace part. The members of one body part. The thankful part. The Word of Christ part. The wisdom part. You get the picture.
When we can’t put our own name or face with the admonishment, I believe we’ve mislabeled it. It is something other than admonishment then. Rather than letting His Word dwell in us as a peaceful, singular, interconnected body, we use it as fuel for a flame thrower.
Those burns, those scars . . . Oh.
Oh.
Reminding One Another — To Our Faces
Several months ago I received an email from a friend. She’d been reading my blog and wondered what was up.
Something changed. Are you okay? She wanted to know.
I asked her what she saw, when she noticed it, what she thought it meant.
She told me, all the while affirming me and reminding me of who He is, who I am, and what we were trying to do.
She even admonished me.
What she did not do was question me in front of others, giving them reason to doubt me.
She did not send me an unsigned note written with letters cut from magazine ads and pasted on the page. She did not ask someone else to call me. She did not leave an anonymous comment.
She did not tell me that some people are concerned — she told me that she was.
My heart is better for it.
Good Intentions
I’d like to think that those who make those phone calls and leave those anonymous observations want to make us better.
They’re just a little clumsy about it.
But truthfully? I have trouble extending them the grace of that presumption.
An invitation: Please feel free to admonish me to extend that grace. In fact, please feel free to offer me correction whenever you see fit. I often need it, and I will welcome it.
But know this: If you cannot sign your name, I promise not take you seriously.
::
The whispers and anonymous “she said”…this post pierced a heart still tender over our church’s split several weeks ago. I’m still hurt that people would choose to trample on peace in the name of silly personal preferences. How peace is pushed aside over different interpretations of how things should be done when Scripture either doesn’t speak to it (A&W vs. a room in the church) or is unclear. I don’t get it.
I am thankful you have a Christian sister who was willing to help you search your own heart off the page.
2009/12/06 at 11:24 PM
Jennifer, you know how my heart is still for you on this, right? And I am still praying for you and your church family.
2009/12/07 at 6:49 PM
What a grace-filled post. I love your heart – for Him, for His Body. This is wisdom I am going to treasure.
2009/12/07 at 9:11 AM
Let you yes be yes and your no be no! I agree that hiding behind the ‘anonymous’ label is cowardly, weak and not christ-like. If you criticize, enourage or suggest– be up front about it.
I love your word interplay “Some are concerned”
Great, provocative post
David
http://www.redletterbelievers.com
2009/12/07 at 10:21 AM
Kelly, thanks. Wasn’t sure if the grace part would come through when the coals feel hot.
David, if we would do that — yes is yes and no is no — we’d have to own our stuff. It would go a long way, I think.
2009/12/07 at 6:51 PM
Lyla,
you speak words that many of us have wanted to speak. Thankyou for your humility and grace in sharing this part of your life. You were not also accusing when you might have been towards those who may not have the godly courage of your friend.
2009/12/08 at 9:28 AM
Well Lyla, as you know, I have heard those words many times too. The whole statement about “Youth group happens in the youth room” makes me laugh because its like deja vu. I’ve heard it before and it makes me want to ask them if they also think that “God is only in church”.
Over the years I have found it very hard not to let those flames rage when someone gives constructive criticism. It makes me flash back to times when people liked to tell you what and how to do things but they never seem to want to step up to the plate and help. I have to admit- my feelings get hurt real easy and I really have to step back and let God work. But it is so hard. The flesh…..
In reference to anonymous criticism in a public place- to me it is cowardly. Deep down I think these “anonymous” commenters just want to stir up wrath. They want to see our reactions. And bottom line is some people need to point out the splinter in another’s eye so they don’t have to see the faults in themselves. There is definitely no love in criticism done on a public site (or place for that matter). And in this sense- for them it means no accountability either.
I love they way you jumped in ever so gently- and I needed that reminder myself.
Once again- beautiful post.
Blessings dear friend,
Julie
2009/12/08 at 10:30 AM
Anna – thank you. I’m glad it came across as you read it. It’s a tough thing to not turn around and do the same.
Julie – Julie. I hear you. It’s a fine line to walk. Doggone internet has convinced us all that we should voice every opinion and thought that passes through our mind. I can be as guilty of that as anyone.
2009/12/08 at 6:45 PM
i am glad for the reminder
2009/12/08 at 7:08 PM
I’ve never liked anonymous comments, and particularly negative ones. It just seems cowardly. Another similar kind of situation — when suddenly, for no apparent reason, someone stops talking with you — whether in person or online. All communication is cut off. This happened to me recently online, and it grieves me — I’m left thinking I’ve done something but have no idea what.
Thanks for the post.
2009/12/08 at 7:17 PM
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nAncY – thanks, and thanks for the tweet, too. My first!
Glynn – funny, most of us actually do handle feedback well if it’s presented graciously. But still we cower from being up front with it. Thanks.
2009/12/08 at 8:00 PM
Lyla – I think the Christian community can be absolutely smothering at times. And making an anonymous judgement is not at all helpful. We, all of us, deal with so much pain, stress, hardship, and we can get so hypnotized by “Evangelical teaching” that it’s like a bunch of robots. Sorry for the rant. This post brings up some unpleasantries for me, obviously!
I so much appreciate your honesty and straightforward approach. Continue to be real. That’ s the most spiritual thing you can do.
2009/12/08 at 8:57 PM
You deal with the single most infuriating issue I’ve ever dealt with in ministry. As a congregational minister I’ve been on the receiving end of the “some people” excuse for tearing me and my family away from our ministry, income, and home.
Some people seem to forget (or not care) that Jesus had something to say about this very problem. See, for example, Matthew 18:14-20.
Thanks for the good word. And, by the way, when faced with the blazing hypocrisy of Christians who hide behind anonymity or the “some people” trope, may help to have a sense of humor.
Peace.
Milton Stanley
2009/12/09 at 9:17 AM
Bradley, if that was a rant… Only a couple of sentences and right on the mark.
Milton, I love that you posted this as Anonymous. That cracks me up. You’re right, a good sense of humor goes a long way. To be honest, I find it much easier to laugh about it when I’m the target of the concerned some than when they focus their efforts on on someone I care about. It’s harder for me to find the humor in it then.
2009/12/09 at 9:30 AM
Lyla:
You’ve hit on a subject that has been a problem in the church for many years and it never seems to go away. Thanks for bringing a fresh perspective. One of the problems however is that you are probably preaching to the choir.
I’m not enough of an internet techie to even begin to understand how to comment anonymously to a blog. On the other hand, it is relatively easy to take your anonymous shots at the preacher or church board. I’m one of those people that sometimes is concerned about things. I don’t call, I email, and I am not anonymous. Believe me, I’ve been tempted to dash off a sarcastic, barbed unsigned epistle (calling it an epistle makes it ok doesn’t it) but I never have. I have written them, however. Writing them is cathartic and many times the griping stops right there.
I believe there is a place for comments and/or criticism from concerned parishioners if done properly. And leadership should be prepared for it. One of the risks of never receiving criticism is that the leadership begins to believe they can do no wrong. Not a good thing.
The process that works for me is write and edit. Then I pass it to my in house editor and proof reader. Then I let it cool for another day before sending it. Since I am usually communicating with the Board of Stewards, I email all of them. Sending to only one person can tempt them to put there own spin on it when discussing it with the rest of the group. My in house editor has often accused me of not being very tactful. My response to her is that I use a lot of tact, I just put the wrong end up.
Keep up the good work.
Dad
2009/12/09 at 11:29 PM
Found my way here from Jared Wilson’s blog. I really appreciate what your saying here, good stuff.
I once wrote a blog post about my minister that I had intended to express my encouragement of what he was doing, but instead came off as “I’m so glad he’s no longer a knucklehead.” Not good.
I became aware of it because a family member of a former member of the church saw it, pointed it out to the former member who – get this – called the minister’s wife, expressing concern that a church member would write that. The minister came to me and, pure hearted guy that he is, challenged me to revisit it (without having read it himself).
I was in error, for sure, but what a shame that the correction had to take such a torturous route to me and that the one who was (unintentionally) insulted would have to be the one to confront me. I was appreciative of his grace, for sure. (oh, and I edited the post to correct the error.)
2009/12/11 at 4:46 PM
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I’m sorry; I can’t tell from your blog post where you’re placing the blame here.
It looks to me like you had a pastor who was second-guessing a minor decision and at least not being open with you, at worst outright lying to you.
Do you think “they” actually existed? Did he just not tell you because you didn’t need to know?
He may be right about the narrow point that any liability insurance the church may carry may not cover you if you leave the church grounds, but that’s a rather obscure way to go about doing the safe thing. That’s the only justification I can think of for “Youth group happens in the youth room.”
The problem isn’t that someone may have called the pastor to complain; the problem is that the pastor let them get away with it.
2009/12/14 at 1:15 PM
MDSF – fair questions. My problem wasn’t with the pastor; I had others who came with the same concern over this episode, all who had been approached by the anonymous “someone” claiming to speak on behalf of various other “someones.” It was a chronic pattern in this body of talking around and rarely talking to. And it was not an issue of off-site meetings; that’s a normal part of youth ministry. It was power and control, pure and simple. (I may have clouded the point of this post: it wasn’t about the issue raised but how it was raised.)
That’s really my beef here: Scripture (and common sense) expect us to talk to people, not around them and not through them. There’s a clear pattern outlined for things like this, and as believers we’re fond of circumventing it and leapfrogging.
We often have valid concerns and necessary criticism. I just think we ought to be grown up enough to own them.
Sorry that I wasn’t particularly clear.
2009/12/14 at 1:22 PM
Thanks Lyla, for approving my comment and responding.
I might gently suggest that the problem here lies with the pastor: he encouraged the anonymous complaint by not referring the complainer to you and he relayed it to you without giving you the information you needed: who and how many. His response doesn’t even pass the usual “do you mind if I quote you and name you” gossip test.
2009/12/14 at 1:30 PM
Very well said. I cherish a relationship with a Christian brother or sister (or anyone) that allows us to talk things out. It makes me feel like a grown up (which my maturity level might not always show with five children
). It might hurt sometimes, but I need to grow and being comfortable isn’t always a part of that. This skin is just a shell and stretching it is necessary. Thank you so much for writing this.
2009/12/14 at 1:43 PM
Good advice. Even as a young adult, I’ve already had friends bitten by this exact thing, and it wounds deeply. Even the cutting anonymous comment on a blog can dig pretty deeply.
Frankly, I think the issue is twofold: (1) cowardice and (2) a lack of love. The former is inexcusable, but the latter far more so among believers. How we treat each other is a clear picture to the world of the veracity of Christ’s claims. When we get it wrong—when we split a church over a slice of ham (and that one’s not hypothetical, though I’m grateful it’s an acquaintance’s experience and not my own)—we tell the church that the gospel is lie. We boldly proclaim that Christ is not raised, does not unite us, has not overcome the flesh. For me, at least, that realization is enough to prompt courage: courage to be bold, or courage to be silent.
2009/12/14 at 6:42 PM
I hear you, loud and clear. Anonymous comments plague my blog and speak doubt into my heart. I blogged about it here:
http://turquoisegates.blogspot.com/2009/08/how-to-respond.html
and here:
http://turquoisegates.blogspot.com/2009/03/different-path.html
2009/12/15 at 6:53 PM
Matthew 18:15ff must be one of the least- known teachings of Jesus – maybe because it gets in the way of how we’d rather handle things. Thanks, Lyla. Very glad to find your blog from a mention on Milton Stanley’s.
2009/12/15 at 9:41 PM
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